somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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