Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
