I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
