saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
