can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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