just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
