I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
