I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
