Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
be right there i have to get my cape
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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