At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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