Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
