I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
