the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
