last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
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We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
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I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
false alarm, still single
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