he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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