A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
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