And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
