Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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