there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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