winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
