I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
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I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
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I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
NoShamevember. You game?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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