I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
