he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
