Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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