I think I just saw someone hide a body.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
