Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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