I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
