OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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