There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
