You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
