I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
