we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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