3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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