this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
it's like iHOP with fire
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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