Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
