Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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