Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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