she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
