there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
