$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
