nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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