So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
