I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
