you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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