hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
