Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
