I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
