True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
