legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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