I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
So squirting runs in the family.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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