i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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