I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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