Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
