Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
