you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
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I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
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Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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