turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
