i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Randomize
